Tuesday, March 02, 2004

40 thoughts on The Passion

The ironically initialed J.C. sends me the following missive:
After watching a 9:50 p.m. showing of The Passion of The Christ last night, I wanted to get my thoughts on paper and spread them to my friends. Hopefully, you will take them in the vein in which they were intended.

1) Bring tissue, lots of tissue. Some will use this to wipe their eyes, I found it useful for wiping up the pools of blood and gore that dripped off of the screen.

2) The film is only anti-Semitic if you consider it anti-Semitic to portray Jews as an unruly crowd of evil, hook-nosed Christ killers.

3) The main miracle in the life of Jesus is apparently the miraculous amount of blood that his body contains.

4) Seriously, the only anti-Semitic part is the constant throng of Jews that torture, torment and scream for the death of Jesus. Once you get past that mindless mob of evil, giggling, mocking Jews, it could hardly be considered anti-Semitic at all.

5) Jesus wears really heavy sandals. Because every time he puts his foot down, it is like Godzilla walking through Tokyo. Boom, Boom, Boom. They must weigh like a ton.

6) And besides, it can't be anti-Semitic because there were a few good Jews in there too. And don't forget that Jesus and his disciples were Jewish too, although they don't actually LOOK Jewish on the screen. I mean, the people that looked stereotypically Jewish were evil, sure. But we all know that Jesus and the disciples were special Jews.

7) Don't be fooled by the "R" rating. It is a great movie for kids to see. Especially at 10 p.m. showings. Although, it would be helpful if the theater handed out those little gizmos from "A Clockwork Orange," y'know, to pry their tired little eyes open. Because those little sinners otherwise would probably want to turn away during the beatings, scourging and crucifiying scenes. Or maybe go to sleep.

8) It might be time to change the meaning of anti-Semitic. Because, apparently the only way to be anti-Semitic in some people's eyes is to portray the Jews as people with the word "Evil" tatooed on their forehead. Because portraying Jews as an unruly mob, slobbering for the death and torture of an icon of peace and love apparently isn't a negative portrayal under our current definition.

9) Keeping children away from the ultra-violence and subversive messages of films such as Harry Potter and Saturday morning cartoons is a good thing. Exposing them to the long, slow, bloody, torturous death of the Savior of all mankind is also a good thing. Go figure.

10) Christians are really generous. Willing to give you a free ticket to this ground-breaking, moving work of film. Paradoxically, they really aren't all that interested in scooting closer together so that you can see the film from a seat that isn't directly underneath the screen.

11) Jesus talks a good game about forgiveness and eternal Paradise, sure. But talk back and he will have a crow pluck out your eyes. Don't mess with the Messiah.

12) Resurrection heals all wounds. Except for puncture wounds to the hands. Those are apparently harder to get rid of.

13) Satan wears a toupee. And he really, really needs a tissue.

14) A little known fact: Jesus must have been a hemophiliac. Because near as I can tell, his blood never coagulates.

15) It makes little sense to pay $7 for a ticket and then spend half a movie blubbering or hiding your eyes. You paid for the show, watch the show. That goes for little kids too.

16) Jesus talked a lot about peace, and love and forgiving your enemies. This has no parallels in today's world.

17) Jesus talked about loving your brother. This DEFINITELY has no parallels in today's world.

18) A little known fact about Peter. He was a kung fu master. That is probably why he guards the gates of heaven, 'cause if you don't belong, he can boot your ass straight to hell.

19) There is something noble, clean and pure about military powers occupying unruly Middle Eastern countries, judging and imprisoning their citizens and handing out death penalties. This definitely has parallels in today's world.

20) Soap wasn't invented until sometime after the death of Jesus. People back then really liked to wash their hands, but without soap it was very difficult to clean the dirt or blood off of them.

21) Black clothing has many uses, but it is especially good for hiding bloodstains. Seriously, you can kneel in puddles and pools of blood and it won't show.

22) When Jesus died on the cross, he proved his divinity by causing a massive earthquake that destroyed the Jewish temple. So, even the unbelieving Jews must know the truth of Jesus. Acting like they don't is just evil. This cannot be interpreted as anti-Semitic under the current definition.

23) Jesus has a lot of in common with the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Merely a flesh wound, indeed.

24) This film is good for children of all ages. Even those too young to read. Because they will get the gist of it, trust me. Blood and torture don't really require a third-grade reading level to catch onto.

25) Filming the movie with the dialogue in ancient, dead languages may at first seem pretentious. But it helps convey the documentary-nature of the film the best. And you can have a crowd of Jews chant about Jesus' death being on the heads of them and their children forever without having to actually put the words up on the screen. That isn't anti-Semitic either.

26) The bloopers reel that plays over the credits is really a great piece of work. There was this one scene where Jim fell down when he was supposed to be carrying the cross through the streets, and he just kept tripping over his feet. Falling down again and again. Ha! Oh wait, I think that made it into the final cut.

27) Speaking of the cross, it is interesting that the thieves who were crucified with Jesus both only had to carry the cross-beams of their cross. Jesus had to carry the whole thing. Somebody didn't get the memo about new cross construction techniques.

28) Scourging is a fine tool of torture, sure. But I'm just saying it is only effective to a certain extent. Once you have flayed away the layers of skin that actually contain nerves, there isn't a whole lot more that scourging can do. It is too bad that the cattle prod had yet to be invented. That would have kept the proceedings moving along nicely.

29) The best place to go after watching a moving, sensitive portrayal of the execution of the Savior is a restaurant that serves lasagna with lots of marinara sauce. Lots. A side of ribs also sounds sort of appealing.

30) Roman soldiers weren't too good about following orders. "Torture him but don't kill him" can come dangerously close to "Torture him and kill him."

31) Little known fact: The murderer Barabbas released by Pontius Pilate? He went on to a career in stand-up comedy and eventually was elected to the Roman Congress, where he served four terms. He then retired to a nice country home. After his release, he managed to keep his killing sprees down to only a few people a year.

32) The Romans apparently keep crowns of thorns just lying around. I guess just in case, a king of the Jews needed crucifying or something. Handy.

33) King Herod refused to judge Jesus, so at first glance he might seem to be a good guy. But luckily Mel pointed out that he also kind of, well, gay. Just so you would know that he was really evil. Because you can love your brother and you can love your neighbor, but that only applies to the manly kind of slap-you-on-the-butt and watch football together kind of love. Not like, actual, icky LOVE love.

34) Mary, Jesus' mother, was really sad about her son getting executed. Dad was a little upset too, but he was able to hide it better. He only shed one tear. It's a guy thing.

35) We were able see Jesus rescue Mary Magdalane from the mob that wanted to stone her to death. Unfortunately we didn't get to hear his classic line about "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." While a good parable and a fine sentiment, it doesn't really apply to today's world. Because, unless a televangelist or good Christian just happened to be passing by, you'd never get to stone anybody.

36) Watching blood geyser into the air and splatter over everything in Kill Bill was too much gore. Watching blood geyser into the air and splatter over everything in The Passion of The Christ was just right. Coincidentally, almost the exact same amount of fake blood was used in the filming of both movies.

37) Getting struck by lightning while starring in a film about the death of Jesus should not in any way be considered a sign from God. Although he used to use signs, omens and portents to get his message across, he has taken to talking directly to his followers like Mel Gibson and Pat Robertson in recent years.

38) Really, anti-Semitism is in the eyes of the beholder. You say tomato, I say tom-ah-to. You say potato, I say po-tat-o. You say balanced portrayal of religious facts, I say calculated portrayal of the Jewish people as evil. It's all in your perspective.

39) There really can be no greater recruiting tool for Christianity than a two-plus-hour movie that buries the inconvenient message of peace, love and brotherhood under a spray of blood and ultra violence. Sex and violence are what put asses in the seats.

40) Writing a 40-point list of the things I learned from watching The Passion of the Christ could be considered by some to be blasphemy. The movie is a holy work after all and we wouldn't want to mock a holy work.

A little more on Mel's work soon.

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